Jewish law prescribes mourning practices following death of any one of the seven close relatives. These are: father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, spouse.
The reason for these laws is that the mind of a person immediately after a death is fully occupied with that death and all the arrangements that have to be made. The funeral should always take place as speedily as possible, so that the soul of the departed is not delayed in reaching its eternal rest.
Note that the status of aninut is suspended where Shabbat or a Festival occur between the death and the funeral.
The tear should be on the left hand side (over the heart) after the death of a parent and on the right for the other relatives. An assistant will start by making a small cut and the mourner themselves should then continue the tear for about four inches. The torn garment should be worn until the end of the shiva.
The rabbi will then deliver a eulogy.
A short prayer, for the benefit of those who have not visited the cemetery within the last 30 days, is said prior to leaving the hall. After this everyone makes their way to the burial place.
Male mourners and all men present should help fill in the grave, each adding at least three shovels-full of earth. Having used the shovel, it should be replaced in the earth and not handed to the next person.
Once the grave is filled in, a memorial prayer is recited and after this the mourners recite kaddish. On days when Tziduk Ha'Din is said there is a longer kaddish and the clergy can assist if needed.
The period of aninut comes to end when the grave is full. At that moment the bereaved is no longer an onein. The correct term is avel and the period of mourning which follows is called avelut. It lasts for 12 months following the death of a parent and 30 days for the other five relatives. It is discussed more fully below.
Once kaddish has been said, the non-mourners are asked to form two parallel lines and the mourners walk between. Formal words of comfort are said.
The funeral is thus concluded and everyone present washes their hands before leaving. No blessing is recited for this washing.
The first thing to happen is the seudat havra'a (meal of consolation). This must be prepared by someone else for the mourners. It usually consists of a hard boiled egg and bread rolls. Lentils and chick peas are also traditional food for mourners. These foods are round like the world and they therefore indicate that death will eventually come round and affect us all. Another reason is that these foods have no break (mouth) in them thus symbolising the silence of the bereaved.
Candles: Someone should ensure that there is a sufficient supply of 24 hour candles to be lit in succession during the week or a week-long candle. Also, whilst shiva prayers are recited two ordinary candles should be lit. No blessing is recited when lighting these candles. It is forbidden to daven in front of a mirror or a picture/model/sculpture of a person, and so these should be removed or covered.
It is most important to sit shiva for the full period (normally a week) following a death. It is important spiritually, to allow the soul of the departed to ascend in the proper manner, and psychologically to allow the bereaved to adjust to new circumstances.
Another popular misunderstanding: Shiva is not prayers. The essence of shiva is to remain at home and receive those who come to offer comfort. It is because the mourner is not allowed to leave the house, and thereby attend shul, that the prayers are brought into the house. Even people who decide not to have prayers every night would be doing the right thing to remain at home for the full week.
During the week of shiva there are a number of specific activities which the mourner should avoid. These include bathing, shaving, or trimming the hair, wearing leather shoes, working, sexual intercourse, laundering or ironing garments. Only washing for hygienic purposes should be done, and only undergarments, or those touching the skin should be changed.
The shiva lasts for seven days. This means that normally, prayers are held for four nights. For example, if a funeral took place on a Wednesday, prayers would be on the Wednesday and Thursday nights, then on the Sunday and Monday nights. The shiva would end on Tuesday (the seventh day) at about the time people would be expected to arrive on the previous days, probably around 10:30 - 11:30 in the morning. If you have any questions about sitting shiva please discuss this with the clergy.
Grief is a gradual process. Often feelings of shock and disbelief turn to anger and depression. Although through mourning a person shows respect to the departed, nevertheless, the mourning process in Judaism is essentially for the benefit of the living relatives. It is intended to help a person grieve and to aid them to come to terms with their loss.
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